The Haunted Vagina - Carlton Mellick III
Well, that was a bit mad, wasn���t it?

Errrmmm ���.. okay ���. er ���.. authors, take this with however many grains of salt you like, but if your book has a really boring title - like say, ���Remember Me��� (I found 81 books with that title, and 256 books with that phrase in the title), then you���re going to have to work a lot harder at promoting your book.

I choose that example, by the way, because in 2007 Virginia Quarterly Review listed the ten most common words found in book title submissions that they received that year. They were;

��� Remember
��� Smoke
��� Revelation
��� Work
��� Grace
��� Waiting
��� Insomnia
��� Voyeur
��� Butterfly
��� Reunion

The most appalling (or maybe distressing) thing about this list is that none of these words strikes me as a half-decent title for anything; book, play, film, or even restaurant!

You���ll notice that ���Haunted��� and ���Vagina��� aren���t on that list at all

A book���s title is possibly the most important but also the hardest to write. It has to grab the reader by the scruff of the neck and make him/her buy the book, and as such we really need to give it the respect it deserves.

There���s no guarantee, of course, that a good title will cause you to love the book, any more than a good pick-up line means the girl will love the guy (for a title is really nothing more than a pick-up line), but a bad title guarantees you���ll never find out, because in all probability you won���t open the book to take a peek inside and you certainly won���t buy it.

Here���s an Amazing title I found; ���Depressed and anxious ��� the Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Workbook for Overcoming Depression and Anxiety.��� It doesn���t really grab you at all, does it? The author needs to liven the title up a bit; ���Sorry-Arsed and Scared Crapless Vampire��� has a much better ring to it. It���s always good if you can get the word ���vampire��� somewhere in the title.

���Anxiety and Depression for Dummies��� is another one that���s nuts, isn���t it. ���Rattle-Brained Mallet-Head hits the Jelly Beans��� would attract more buys to this book, wouldn���t it?

I found a book called ���Politics ��� A treatise on Government.��� The author must have sold all ten copies to his mum! He could have called it ���Vote for David Cameron.��� Granted the title���s not too exciting but it���s a book about rushing enthusiastically into the cubicle expecting big things, only to get a pathetic little fart.

There are some incredibly imaginative book titles that demonstrate the ingenuity and innovative brilliance of certain authors. ���The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories��� by Alisa Surkis was one such book (lesbian horses?), as is ���The Pocket book of Boners ��� an omnibus of schoolboy howlers.��� I don���t know who the author of this one is but it���s illustrated by Dr Seuss. ���Games you can play with your Pussy ��� and lots of other stuff cat owners should know,��� ���The Missionary Position ��� Mother Theresa in theory and practice,��� ���Everything I know about Women I learned from my Tractor,��� ���Invisible Dick,��� ���Pooh Gets Stuck,��� ���Scouts in Bondage,��� ���The Beginners Guide to Sex in the Afterlife,��� ���How to spot a Bastard by his Star Sign,��� ���Arthur Kills a Hobo for his Clothes,��� ���Why is Mommy Moaning?��� ���How to Date a White Woman,��� and ���Cooking with Pooh��� were just a few of the pretty good book titles I discovered. But ���The Haunted Vagina��� beats the lot!

But I digress. I���m supposed to be reviewing the actual book itself as opposed to covering for my lack of eloquence and loquacity by researching other interesting titles, but this one���s got me beat.

This book is simply bonkers! If you���re looking for an easy read that���s slightly demented then give it a go. It���s amusing enough and if I���m to be perfectly honest quite readable. It���s just that it���s completely mental.

I would, however, try another one of this author���s books, so I guess it wasn���t all bad.