The Haunted Vagina - Carlton Mellick III

Well, that was a bit mad, wasn't it?

Errrmmm ..... okay ... er ..... authors, take this with however many grains of salt you like, but if your book has a really boring title - like say, 'Remember Me' (I found 81 books with that title, and 256 books with that phrase in the title), then you're going to have to work a lot harder at promoting your book.

I choose that example, by the way, because in 2007 Virginia Quarterly Review listed the ten most common words found in book title submissions that they received that year. They were;


The most appalling (or maybe distressing) thing about this list is that none of these words strikes me as a half-decent title for anything; book, play, film, or even restaurant!

You'll notice that 'Haunted' and 'Vagina' aren't on that list at all

A book's title is possibly the most important but also the hardest to write. It has to grab the reader by the scruff of the neck and make him/her buy the book, and as such we really need to give it the respect it deserves.

There's no guarantee, of course, that a good title will cause you to love the book, any more than a good pick-up line means the girl will love the guy (for a title is really nothing more than a pick-up line), but a bad title guarantees you'll never find out, because in all probability you won't open the book to take a peek inside and you certainly won't buy it.

Here's an Amazing title I found; 'Depressed and anxious; the Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Workbook for Overcoming Depression and Anxiety.' It doesn't really grab you at all, does it? The author needs to liven the title up a bit; 'Sorry-Arsed and Scared Crapless Vampire' has a much better ring to it. It's always good if you can get the word 'vampire' somewhere in the title.

'Anxiety and Depression for Dummies' is another one that's nuts, isn't it. 'Rattle-Brained Mallet-Head hits the Jelly Beans' would attract more buys to this book, wouldn't it?

I found a book called 'Politics: A treatise on Government.' The author must have sold all ten copies to his mum! He could have called it 'Vote for David Cameron.' Granted the title's not too exciting but it's a book about rushing enthusiastically into the cubicle expecting big things, only to get a pathetic little fart.

There are some incredibly imaginative book titles that demonstrate the ingenuity and innovative brilliance of certain authors. 'The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories' by Alisa Surkis was one such book (lesbian horses?), as is 'The Pocket book of Boners: an omnibus of schoolboy howlers.' I don't know who the author of this one is but it's illustrated by Dr Seuss. 'Games you can play with your Pussy:  and lots of other stuff cat owners should know,' 'The Missionary Position: Mother Theresa in theory and practice,' 'Everything I know about Women I learned from my Tractor,' 'Invisible Dick,' 'Pooh Gets Stuck,' 'Scouts in Bondage,' 'The Beginners Guide to Sex in the Afterlife,' 'How to spot a Bastard by his Star Sign,. 'Arthur Kills a Hobo for his Clothes,' 'Why is Mommy Moaning?' 'How to Date a White Woman,' and 'Cooking with Pooh' were just a few of the pretty good book titles I discovered. But 'The Haunted Vagina' beats the lot!

But I digress. I'm supposed to be reviewing the actual book itself as opposed to covering for my lack of eloquence and loquacity by researching other interesting titles, but this one's got me beat.

This book is simply bonkers! If you're looking for an easy read that's slightly demented then give it a go. It's amusing enough and if I'm to be perfectly honest quite readable. It's just that it's completely mental.

I would, however, try another one of this author's books, so I guess it wasn't all bad.

Reblogged from KarlWiggins